Some Words of Wisdom

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Your sole purpose in life may be to simply serve as a warning to others.

People will accept your idea more readily, if you tell them some famous people said it first.

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.

He who scratches his ass shouldn’t bite his fingernails.

People who live in glass houses should wear clothes.

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.

Life is what happens to you when you’re making other plans.

Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle.