Singapore English

The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it as effectively when communicating their intentions compared to Singaporeans. Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point and effective.

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you."

Singaporeans: "No stock!"

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: "Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?"

Singaporeans: "Hello, who call huh?"

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: "Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?"

Singaporeans: "S-kew me..."

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: "Hey! Put your wallet away, this drink is on me."

Singaporeans: "No need lah."

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: "Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?"

Singaporeans: (pointing at the door) "Can or not?"

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: "Please make yourself right at home."

Singaporeans: "No need shy one lah!"

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: "I don't recall you giving me the money."

Singaporeans: "Where got?"

WHEN DECIDING ON A PLAN OF ACTION
Britons: "What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?"

Singaporeans: "So how?"

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: "I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind."

Singaporeans: "Don't want lah."

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: "Err...Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue."

Singaporeans: "You mad ah?"

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE
Britons: "Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here."

Singaporeans: "Shaddap lah!"

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU
Britons: "Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for sometime. Do I know you?"

Singaporeans: "See what, see what?"

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION
Britons: "We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment."

Singaporeans: "Die lah!!"

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: "Will someone tell me what has just happened?"

Singaporeans: "What happened ah? Why like that one lah?"

WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: "This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you."

Singaporeans: "Like that also don't know how to do!"

I Smell Very Nice Issit?

What irks me most is when I am in a queue and the person behind me stands very close to me. I can understand if there is a long queue and space is limited. Otherwise there is no need to be so close till I am able to hear or feel you breathing or feel you are moving or shifting your body weight from one leg to another. I think in all situations, at least a one-arm’s length distance between each one will be ideal. Nothing to do with the flu; nothing to do with body odor. Just don’t come too close!

There were instances when I moved one or two inches forward to increase the distance between me and the person behind me and the latter would also moved the same proportionate distance forward! Hello! I am moving AWAY FROM you!!

I don’t like to queue and take pains to avoid queues. But I have no choice but to queue once a week for non-personal banking purpose. So I get these annoyances quite frequently.

Like most Singaporeans, I am “too polite” to say anything to the provoker and just use my eyes and facial expressions to convey my displeasure. If I had Superman’s eyes, that person would certainly be vaporised.

Since most of them are clueless about body language they need to be told in no uncertain terms. The question then is how to tell them.

You can be very polite and say something like, “Sorry can you please don’t stand so close to me because I get very nervous when people do”, you know the its-not-your-fault-but-mine approach. Or be sarcastic and say, “Stand so close for what, I smell very nice issit?” Perhaps the angry approach: “You gay ah, stand so close!” Or fire off with “Why you keep coming so close? You think that will make the queue go faster? You think that will make those tellers work faster? If it does I would have stuck my body to the person in front of me! So back off! Come any nearer I swear to God I will jab you in your rib cage with my elbow.”

Which approach would you choose? Any suggestion? Let me know.