The Four Stages of A Man's Life

The four stages of a man's life:

1 - You believe in Santa Claus.

2 - You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3 - You are Santa Claus.

4 - You look like Santa Claus.

Christmas 2009

This year’s Christmas went a bit faster and less “stressful”. I guess a large part has to do with the fact that a usual large Christmas gathering was brought forward by almost two weeks because of travel plans made by some of the attendees. This year’s Mid-Autumn Festival was also brought forward by one week because of travel plans made.

Having a Christmas gathering two weeks in advance meant having to buy your presents even earlier. It forced me to get out and shop and I actually avoided a lot of last-minute shoppers compared to last year. As I have already bought the presents, I decided to give my colleagues their presents earlier too (by about a week) and not wait till the Eve or a day before the Eve.

This year I got a number of presents which I was going to buy them myself within the next two months or so if I haven’t got them.

I was looking out for a bag but didn’t find any to my likings and I was given a bag with lots of compartments (the way I wanted it) and in the colour I wanted.

I was out shopping for socks and I was given two pairs.

I had wanted to try the Kokutoh Chocolate from Royce’ and I was given a box.

I recently attended a course on how to make ice cream and though I had ordered three books on the topic from Amazon, I was given one with 500 recipes containing lots of colourful and beautiful photos.

One present which brought back childhood memories was a rectangular box of Van Houten Almonds Chocolate given to me by a junior staff member. The moment I held it when my colleague gave it to me I already knew what it was. However I no longer enjoy them as when I was a kid; the chocolate was too sweet and the almond was very tiny. Perhaps I have been spoilt by gourmet chocolates.

Christmas Songs

It’s time of the year when you will hear Christmas songs being played over the radio or in the malls.

Besides the “usual” and “traditional” carols and songs, certain songs stick to my memory since I was a kid; those that make you laugh.

I like to highlight four songs in the next four posts and they are, in the order I came to know them:

Donde Esta Santa Claus by Augie Rios

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by The Jackson Five

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth and

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer by Dr Elmo

Donde Esta Santa Claus by Augie Rios

This song was a hit in 1958 and was sung by Augie Rios.

I used to be tickled by the first line of this song when I was a kid even though I had no idea what it meant.

The first line, in Spanish, simply mean, “Foxy lady (or hot mama), where is Santa Claus?”



Mamacita, donde esta Santa Claus?
Donde esta Santa Claus?
And the toys that he will leave.
Mamacita, oh, where is Santa Claus?
I look for him because it's a Christmas Eve.

I know that I should be sleeping,
But maybe he's not far away,
Out of the window I'm peeping,
Hoping to see him in his sleigh.

I hope he won't forget to clack his castinet,
And to his reindeer, say,
Oh! Pancho, Oh! Vixen, Oh! Pedro, Oh! Blitzen,
Ole! Ole! Ole! cha cha cha.

Mamacita, donde esta Santa Claus?
Oh! Where is Santa Claus?
It's Christmas Eve.
Mamacita, donde esta Santa Claus?
I look for him because it's Christmas Eve.

I know that I should be sleeping,
But maybe he's not far away,
Out of the window I'm peeping,
Hoping to see him in sleigh.

I hope he won't forget to crack his castinet,
And to his reindeer, say,
Oh! Pancho, Oh! Vixen, Oh! Pedro, Oh! Blitzen,
Ole! Ole! Ole! cha cha cha.

Mamacita, donde esta Santa Claus?
Oh! Where is Santa Claus?
It's Christmas Eve.
It's Christmas Eve...

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by The Jackson Five

This song was composed by Tommie Connor and was an instant hit for Jimmy Boyd in 1952, when he was only 13 years old. He passed away on 7 March 2009.

Apparently, the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston condemned this song as mixing sex with Christmas until they were told that Santa was really Daddy in costume.

This version is by The Jackson Five, with clips of Michael Jackson.



I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep
Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

This was composed by Don Gardner in 1944, first published in 1946 and recorded in 1948.

For more background information on this song, click here.

Other than the first line, I have forgotten the rest of the lyrics.



Everybody pauses and stares at me
These two teeth are gone as you can see
I don't know just who to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve is as plain as it can be!

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth, see my two front teeth!

Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth,
then I could wish you "Merry Christmas."
It seems so long since I could say,
"Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!"
Gosh oh gee, how happy I'd be,
if I could only whistle (thhhh, thhhh)

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,see my two front teeth.

Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth,
then I could wish you "Merry Christmas!"

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer by Dr Elmo

This funny song was written by Randy Brooks and originally performed by Dr Elmo and his wife Patsy in 1979. Dr Elmo re-recorded it solo in 1992 and 2000.

According to the lyrics, the grandmother of the family got drunk from drinking too much eggnog but had to go home to get her forgotten medication. On the way back, she was ran over by Santa and killed.



CHORUS:
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.

She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
And we begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication,
And she staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found her Christmas morning,
At the scene of the attack
She had hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminating Claus marks on her back.

CHORUS

Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football,
Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel.

It's not Christmas without Grandma,
All the family's dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
(SEND THEM BACK!!! )

CHORUS

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig (ahhhhh!)
And the blue and silver candles,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.

I've warned all my friends and neighbours,
Better watch out for yourselves.
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.
(Sing it, Grandpa!)

CHORUS

There is NO Santa Claus

There has long been a conspiracy in western societies to propagate to children that there is a Santa Claus. Address a letter to Santa Claus, North Pole, and you will get a reply from Santa himself. This will not happen anymore as one of the biggest party to this conspiracy, the US Postal Service, announced that it will be dropping the small Alaska town of North Pole from a popular national programme where volunteers respond to thousands of such letters. For the reason(s) behind this move and the full report, please go here.

Well sooner or later, these children will eventually find out that there is no Santa Claus no matter whether they have been naughty or nice.

Any one intelligent enough, or with a bit more of “santa searching” will eventually see the truth. Otherwise refer to the following inquiry report filed in January 1990.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified; and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total, which is about 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 108 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child in each home.

3) Thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, and assuming Santa travels east to west (which seems logical), he has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest manmade vehicle on earth, the Ulysses Space Probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeers. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is five times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2 (the cruise ship, not the Queen).

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeers up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeers will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeers behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.