There is NO Santa Claus

There has long been a conspiracy in western societies to propagate to children that there is a Santa Claus. Address a letter to Santa Claus, North Pole, and you will get a reply from Santa himself. This will not happen anymore as one of the biggest party to this conspiracy, the US Postal Service, announced that it will be dropping the small Alaska town of North Pole from a popular national programme where volunteers respond to thousands of such letters. For the reason(s) behind this move and the full report, please go here.

Well sooner or later, these children will eventually find out that there is no Santa Claus no matter whether they have been naughty or nice.

Any one intelligent enough, or with a bit more of “santa searching” will eventually see the truth. Otherwise refer to the following inquiry report filed in January 1990.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified; and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total, which is about 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 108 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child in each home.

3) Thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, and assuming Santa travels east to west (which seems logical), he has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest manmade vehicle on earth, the Ulysses Space Probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeers. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is five times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2 (the cruise ship, not the Queen).

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeers up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeers will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeers behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Patients’ Records – What’s that again?

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

The left leg became numb at times and she walked it off.

Father died in his 90s of female trouble in his prostate and kidneys.

Both the patient and the nurse herself reported passing flatus.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

Patient stated that if she would lie down, within two or three minutes something would come across her abdomen and knock her up.

By the time she was admitted to the hospital her rapid heart had stopped and she was feeling much better.

Patient has bilateral varicosities below the legs.

If he squeezes the back of his neck for four or five years it comes and goes.

Speculum was inserted between the eyes.

Dr. Blank is watching his prostate.

At the time of onset of pregnancy the mother was undergoing bronchoscopy.

She was treated with Mycostatin oral suppositories.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day school three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Cheeky Chocolates @ Iluma

I think there are a dozen or so of varieties of chocolates available at Cheeky Chocolates and two of them are with alcohol. They were displayed like jewelleries in individual display cases and are sold at $2.20 per piece.


I bought the Coffee Addict, Passion Fruit Euphoria, Bored Lemon, Happy Hazelnut, Lavender Love, Cheeky Chocolate, Dark & Sexy and Lust. I enjoyed the Coffee Addict, Happy Hazelnut and Cheeky Chocolate the most. The Passion Fruit and Lemon were average. The Dark & Sexy and Lust were a disappointment. Given their names and unique shapes they ought to be signature pieces and as such I expected more in terms of taste, texture and kick.

The Lavender Love in a heart shape was refreshing with its strong aroma and taste of lavender. I haven’t come across any other chocolatiers carrying this flavour and this could be another of their signature piece. It is a tad too tiny though and it would have been great if the size was bigger which would then give more substance and taste to it.

Overall some good finds. Otherwise just try their vast ranges of chocolate desserts, like their Cheeky Chocolate Warm Chocolate Cake.

The other outlet is at 223 Upper Thomson Road. Their website is still under construction.

English: Noun and Verb

To add to its complexity, an English word can have a different meaning when used as a noun or a verb. Here are some examples.

A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present to the President.
The doves dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocaine injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of subjects.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
Just wanted to say hi, before I resume writting my resume.
The doctor was very patient with his patient.
We polish the Polish furniture.
He was reading some news about Reading.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
You need to insert a paragraph here on this newspaper insert.
The manufacturer couldn't recall if there had been a recall.
The religious convert wanted to convert the world.
The political rebels wanted to rebel against the world.
The mogul wanted to record a new record for his latest artist.
If you perfect your intonation, your accent will be perfect.
Unfortunately, City Hall wouldn't permit them to get a permit.

The intonation of a word is therefore crucial to understanding whether it is meant to be a noun or a verb. The stress of a verb is usually on the last syllable, and that of a noun is on the first syllable.

Singapore English

The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it as effectively when communicating their intentions compared to Singaporeans. Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point and effective.

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you."

Singaporeans: "No stock!"

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: "Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?"

Singaporeans: "Hello, who call huh?"

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: "Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?"

Singaporeans: "S-kew me..."

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: "Hey! Put your wallet away, this drink is on me."

Singaporeans: "No need lah."

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: "Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?"

Singaporeans: (pointing at the door) "Can or not?"

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: "Please make yourself right at home."

Singaporeans: "No need shy one lah!"

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: "I don't recall you giving me the money."

Singaporeans: "Where got?"

WHEN DECIDING ON A PLAN OF ACTION
Britons: "What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?"

Singaporeans: "So how?"

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: "I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind."

Singaporeans: "Don't want lah."

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: "Err...Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue."

Singaporeans: "You mad ah?"

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE
Britons: "Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here."

Singaporeans: "Shaddap lah!"

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU
Britons: "Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for sometime. Do I know you?"

Singaporeans: "See what, see what?"

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION
Britons: "We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment."

Singaporeans: "Die lah!!"

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: "Will someone tell me what has just happened?"

Singaporeans: "What happened ah? Why like that one lah?"

WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: "This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you."

Singaporeans: "Like that also don't know how to do!"

English Paradox

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposite, while quite a few and quite a lot are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell the other day.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or piccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

The above was circulated in an email to me in 2001.

Ariston Water Heater Tank Leaking

When I reached home at almost 9 pm on Thursday, I found water was leaking from the pipes leading to the water heater. Based on the amount of water accumulated in the tub underneath the leaking pipes, the leakage had thankfully started not too long ago.

I turned off the water supply leading to the water heater but it was still leaking. At that moment it didn’t occur to me that this was expected as there was still water in the heater. I called my plumber and told him it was an emergency and he came promptly half an hour later.

Well his diagnosis was that the water heater was spoilt and needed to be changed. Spoilt to me meant the water couldn’t be heated up as was the previous case. I was surprised to learn that when a water heater is spoilt it could leak. This got me to immediate make a mental note to myself that if my family and I were to take a holiday trip, one extra thing to do is to turn off the water supply to the water heater in case it gets spoilt during our absence.

My water heater was purchased in February 2005 and there was a possibility that it was still within the warranty period if mine was five years. A call to the Service Center revealed that mine was under a four-year warranty and thus had expired. The Customer Service Officer told me that those made in China carries a warranty of three years, whilst those made in Vietnam, four years and those made in Italy, five years.

Told my plumber yesterday morning to replace the water heater for me, which he will do so later this afternoon.

Thank God for his promptness as I have already took four unpleasant cold showers.

Warm water open up your pores which will make cleansing more effective. Towards the end of your shower, you should reduce the temperature of the water progressively to a comfortable level so that the pores can be closed after showering.

Autobot Stronghold Wish List

Having discussed with my cousin, her husband and her 8-year old son, who introduced me to the game, we came up with this Wish List. This is a list of things we thought might increase the “fun factor” of the game.

We are no expert in flash games and not aware of the design and play limitations, if any, such games might have compared to a “full pledge” video game. As such our suggestions are mainly focused on game play.

1. More Autobots – there are currently only five

2. More Decepticons – there are currently only six

3. More Waves – there are currently only fifty

4. Have different terrains/courses/layouts/tower designs (maps) to choose from – currently only one layout

5. Possibility of combining points (1), (2) and (4) together; that is with each different map, different Autobots are available and different Decepticons will appear.

6. Option to be the “bad guy”, that is the ability to deploy Decepticons against the Autobots instead of the current single mode of just deploying Autobots against the Decepticons.

7. Two-player mode: one player to deploy the Autobots and the other player, the Decepticons.

Do you have any others?

Notes to My Mother (a dementia patient) by Gan See Siong

"Now I find you where I left you" - Diane Ackerman

1

Each visit I find you where I left you
We haven't moved
Yet I am winded from the battle
You do not wish to
We do not wish you to
Do not wish to
Really do
Beside you
I think I heard a hurricane beating behind closed doors
I felt my bruises the entire length of each stay
Your speech, manner and mien
Where are they?

2

I have no key to your door;
I tread the fragile catwalk between your lucidity and hallucination.
It's hard to notice when the door is ajar
When it's only a few heartbeats wide
I hold you as you listen and speak
Fully present, yet wholly mind-roaming.
Tomorrow we will speak again
I will find you where I left you.

3

If words anchor thought
I will gather enough of them
To build a mind bridge towards you
Wishing it will span the angry swirls
Of water churning beneath.
But like Hope's slippery pontoon, my words fall apart
Leaving me in a wet and remembered now.



See Siong wrote this poem in August 2009. This poem was published in the latest issue (Vol. 8 No. 4 Oct 2009) of the Quarterly Literary Review Singapore, the lnternet literary journal of Singapore.

As See Siong is a friend of mine, this poem is more poignant to all of us who are aware of his mother’s condition.

His other poem in the QLRS, Words, can be found here.

The Cockpit?

What goes on inside the cockpit, most will not know. It is well secured.

Whenever a pilot wants to use the toilet, a senior flight attendant has to secure one, and then signal to the pilot to come out. Out he comes quickly and the cockpit door is immediately closed. In he goes inside the toilet swiftly and promptly, as if he has been holding for a long time, whilst the flight attendant stands guard outside his cubicle and the cockpit. When he is done, he swiftly and promptly goes back into the cockpit. Almost the same procedures apply when meals are served to the pilots in the cockpit.

Before it became a rule not to open the cockpit door to non-crew members, decades ago, and well before 911, there were instances when the pilots might invite a person or two to go inside the cockpit to have a look.

And here is a true, albeit funny, encounter by my friend’s sister; yes, two decades ago.

She was waiting for her flight at the airport and a pilot walked by. He made a pass at her and asked her whether she wanted to go to the cockpit. Whilst she was pleased she was also wary as she wondered why the pilot wanted her to go to the Cockpit Hotel.

Side note: The Cockpit Hotel, in Penang Road, was completed in 1972 but razed down in 2002 to make way for a commercial cum residential project.

Talking about air travel always reminds of this encounter by a former SIA stewardess (not the one in Perth now).

She was going about to clear the food trays. She asked the passenger, “Sir, are you finished?” The passenger responded, “No, I am British.”

Pilots have the lives of the crew and passengers in their hands literally. If they goofed up not only those on board are in danger, those in the vicinity of where the plane might hit or land are also in danger. As such, no sympathy for pilots whose licences are revoked because of safety violation.