Wednesday, November 25, 2009

There is NO Santa Claus

There has long been a conspiracy in western societies to propagate to children that there is a Santa Claus. Address a letter to Santa Claus, North Pole, and you will get a reply from Santa himself. This will not happen anymore as one of the biggest party to this conspiracy, the US Postal Service, announced that it will be dropping the small Alaska town of North Pole from a popular national programme where volunteers respond to thousands of such letters. For the reason(s) behind this move and the full report, please go here.

Well sooner or later, these children will eventually find out that there is no Santa Claus no matter whether they have been naughty or nice.

Any one intelligent enough, or with a bit more of “santa searching” will eventually see the truth. Otherwise refer to the following inquiry report filed in January 1990.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified; and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total, which is about 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 108 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child in each home.

3) Thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, and assuming Santa travels east to west (which seems logical), he has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest manmade vehicle on earth, the Ulysses Space Probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeers. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is five times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2 (the cruise ship, not the Queen).

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeers up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeers will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeers behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

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